Soar On
by Runt the Brave
Summary: Post-BDM. Kaylee reflects on perfection. "I've tried to sort through my memories an' pick the most perfect one to talk about, but that ain't life."


**A/N: I actually wrote a Firefly fic. It's horrid, but... hm... O.O. Standard disclaimers apply.**

**((Nǐ xūyào kū: you need to cry.))**

Soar On

Things ain't perfect. It's funny, really. People spend so much time striving for perfection when there ain't nothing in this world that don't got some flaws. I've tried to sort through my memories an' pick the most perfect one to talk about, but that ain't life. That ain't appreciating the joy an' the pain that comes through sufferin' an' grief. I've spent too much time watching the Cap't to really believe that things could be perfect. We've gotten close, these last few months, close to how happy everyone used to be in the good ol' days, back before Miranda. Back before Inara left. Back before Niska's torture. But we don't got Wash or our preacher; an' we're leading the revolutionary force against the 'liance. Things have changed.

To think, four years back, I ain't never thought about the 'liance or wars or anything. But now with the Cap't an' Simon being generals in this whole big debacle, it's a bit scary. Even I got a military rankin'. I'm just the mechanic. River's the only one without a title. Cap't insisted, but I think he only did 'cause Simon didn't step up and insist first. Mal's a great father, to me, to River, an' if he ever starts a family with 'Nara... Best father I ever known. My mèi-mei is the best warrior and most feared assassin our side of the war got. Jayne took offense to that before the Cap't gave him is own squadron to control and all. We ain't seen Jayne in months; he's fighting some other part of the 'verse. Zoe too, has her own unit, but she's nearby. Both of them wave, often enough, but it just gets caught up in all this dreary war business.

You would have thought you needed more than the Miranda transmission to start a war, but River said that Miranda was "the spark that ignited the engine fuel" an' that the oil had been poored over the Rim people ever since the last war ended. The Rim don't like the 'liance. The 'liance don't like the Rim. You'd think we could come to some kind of solution, but nah. People like fighting. The Cap't likes fighting, he's just worried about Zoe an' 'Nara an' River an' me an' _Serenity_, too. The Cap't is a great daddy, did I mention that? And a good friend, too. He an' Serenity s'all that's keeping Zoe afloat, not to mention 'Nara's problems. Poor 'Nara. She's had a harder time than River an' Simon adjusting to being on the 'liance's Top 10 most wanted. Simon, well, he's been there for close to three years now, just behind River. My little mèi-mei's top of the list, followed by Simon, an' Cap't, then 'Nara. There's a story behind that, but it ain't mine to tell.

Mal an' 'Nara have too much guilt on their shoulders. They keep trying to push it aside, but it ain't working. They're fighting, a lot. It's so obvious, even they know it. They both love each other, but they're scared an' guilty an' afraid an' worried an' conflicted an' there's too many emotions stuffed inside their heads without adding the emotional problems that come with love and stuff. It don't help that they put River on edge an' the Cap't's become the only one would can calm her down good an' proper. 'Nara an' I can stave off a major meltdown, an' Simon – the dear – is best after Cap't. But the Cap't can handle River when 'Nara's got him all irate an' all. I hate the guilt. I hate the guilt in the Cap't, in 'Nara, in me. It's dark an' depressing an'...

There's something special about the black between the stars. There ain't nothing special about a guilty conscious, even if you got nothin' to be guilty about. That's what River said, 'close enough. She's a great pilot now. The Cap't hired some flight-school trainer to come on board for three weeks an' teach 'er how to fly my dear _Serenity._ And River loves it, my little mèi-mei. That's official now, by the way. Simon an' me hitched just two days ago, but he's planet side right now – Persephone – trying to rally more support for the cause. We made a whole celebration out of it; 'Nara insisted on getting me some finery from some tailor she knows on Persephone, an' it was just gorgeous. The whole army make this spectacle of the whole affair, celebratin' and singin'. River says that Simon and me are "mascots for normalcy in an abnormal situation." 'Nara says that people just needed a reason to celebrate. Mal says it's a whole lot of foolishness, but he smiled when he said it.

Stopping on Persephone hurt 'Nara real bad. It used to be one of her best planets, with her most lucrative clients an' all. It was always the best planet for 'Nara and the crew. Respectable enough, and not-respectable enough. But 'Nara ain't no companion anymore; she's one of us Nor would any of her normal class of people ever hire 'er. She's in disgrace with the 'liance right now, wanted by the government. She hid it well, for my wedding: absolutely refused to talk about it. Like I said, she's gotten the weight of worlds settling down on her shoulders, an' her conscious won't let her push them off. It's saddenin', really, how much this war's been hurting my family.

We lost a few war cruisers, just an hour again. It hit the Cap't pretty hard; he's been working with those boys for months now. We're a cargo ship that's leading a revolution. Don't entirely seem fair, when you think of all the big guns that the 'liance has. War ain't fair though, the Cap't keeps insisting. I wish I weren't involved. I really do. It's great an' all, in the moments between the sheer panic an' terror an' the constant uncertainity that someone's going to make it out alive. Simon's planetside right now, an' I'm wearing the floor of the engine room smooth. River's stowed away on some 'liance cruiser an' prob'ly won't make it back for days. She's going on a killing spree. There's so much worry an' guilt an' I understand why 'Nara's having so much trouble.

Everyone expects me to be the ray of sunshine. Everyone expects me to be the one who keeps shining when they can't find the light. I was the one who never broke down after Miranda. I was the one who comforted and cheered and guided. Why ain't I allowed to break? Why ain't I allowed to be weak, like the Cap't and 'Nara? If'n I broke, they'd break too, an' then _Serenity _would break, an' then Zoe then Jayne would break, an' then the rebellion would crash to a halt with only River left as some unstoppable vigilante. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I hate this responsibility. There ain't no one I got to help carry this burden, not when I've already got 'Nara's, Simon's and the Cap't's... I miss Book. I really, really miss Book.

We've got a couple extra crew members right now, a few soldiers who survived the loss of their ship, a back up pilot for when River goes haywire. None of them are the crew though. I'm sitting at _Serenity_'s table. There's a few of the soldiers about, and Mal's talking with a few of them. He actually laughed, just seconds ago. He never used to do that. I wonder if he laughed during the first war? He's got a nice laugh. His nose crinkles. He never laughed before Miranda. He'd joke, smile, but never really laugh. It's one of things I'm glad we've got. The soldiers relax around him; they enjoy his stories. Those soldier's are fine enough, good fighters, but they ain't crew. We don't got the whole family together. The whole family is fighting in the war. We're gonna loose someone else, an' that scares me. We might loose Jayne, if he over commits or does somethin' stupid, like he's prone to. We might loose Zoe, if she gets lost in the war and grief and develops a death wish. We might loose Mal an' 'Nara if _Serenity_ gets caught. I guess that would mean me too, I s'pose. The three of us ain't barely leave the ship too much.

I'm scared, really. I'm scared an' I don't know who to tell. Maybe Book's god can hear? We're stuck in the middle of a war, an' I don't see no end around the corner. We don't got the guns needed to beat the 'liance. They don't have our willpower. They don't have River. 'Nara just got a wave from some informant on Ariel. The 'liance just lost one of their biggest command ships, everyone on it but three children were dead. The ship was just left floating in space, the latest victim to the 'liance's unstoppable flow. I'm telling you straight, without River, we wouldn't be winning this here war. And it scares me. What if something happens to her? What if the 'liance twists someone else into a weapon? They've done it once. What's to stop it from happening again? Uh oh. A wave's come in from Persephone. _Simon!_ A ground battle has broken out. _Please no. Please!_

Cap't gave me a look. I know that look. He don't want me in the cockpit. I'm in the engine room now, an' we're heading towards the fight on Persephone. I don't know what I'll do if Simon don't make it out. I don't think I'd make it. Simon _has_ to be okay! He... he... _has_ to be. He _is_ okay! We only just got married two days ago! If Simon gets hurt or killed or somethin', things won't ever be perfect again. Not ever! 'Nara's standing at the threshold of the entrance room. She looks worried about me. I can't let that! She's got too much on her shoulders. We're still a day out from Persephone. I'm so scared.

I want things to be perfect. Is that selfish of me? Is it selfish that I want everything back? I want just to be in the black, just the crew of _Serenity._ No and Simon. River. Zoe and Wash. Mal and 'Nara. Jayne. Book. I want it all back! Why did it ever have to go away? I'm sorry if you can't read this. I'm having trouble controlling the tears. 'Nara's got her arm around me, but she's not stopping my writing. She's reading it. She just got to the point... _oh._ Now I'm just giving her more guilt! That wasn't supposed to happen! She's not supposed to worry about me.

"Mèi-mei," 'Nara whispered in my ear, "kū. Nǐ xūyào kū."

Cry. She was telling me to cry. I wrapped my arms around her, letting her pull me in her lap like one might do for a small child, but I didn't care. I sobbed on her shoulder, trying to let it go. Simon... Simon would be all right. He'd spent three years avoiding the 'liance, an' another six months fighting them. He'd be fine. It would all work out. River would be fine. Zoe an' Jayne would be fine. _Serenity_ would keep flying. 'Nara rocked me back and forth, letting me cry. I don't know how long we stayed like that before the Cap't interrupted us. Well, not really. He just sat down an' pulled the both of us into his arms. 'Nara didn't even protest. "Things don't have to be perfect," Mal whispered. I just kept sobbing. But really, whether we lost crew, lost the war, lost everything, as long as _Serenity_ kept flying, thing would be about as perfect as they could be. Which ain't perfect. It's just pretty close to perfect.

Soar on, _Serenity._ Soar on.


End file.
